Tá mé go fóill ag seachaint an saoil/I'm still avoiding life

Shíl mé go raibh seachtain olc agam an uair dheireanach go raibh mé ag scríobh anseo agus ansin d’éirigh rudaí níos measa. Ghlaoigh mo mháthair orm agus mé ag freastail ar shochraid cara liom le hinsint dom go bhfuil m’uncail ar shlí na firinne. Mhínigh sí dom céard a tharla ó gur d’fhág mé Baile Átha Cliath le dul go Béal Feirste cúpla uair an chloig roimhe. Ní dóigh liom gur chuala mé mórán.

I though I had had a bad week when I was last writing here and then things got worse. My mother rang me to tell me my uncle had died while I was between my friend’s wake and her funeral. She told me what had happened since I had left Dublin for Belfast a few hours beforehand but I didn’t hear much of the story.

Tá mé ar ais i nGaillimh anois le seachtain anuas, bhuel le beagnach seachtain. Dúirt cara liom go raibh sé de ceart agam rudaí a thógáil go réidh toisc go ndeachaidh mé trí go leor. Níor thuig mé go dtí go bhfaca mé an teachtaireacht sin nach raibh mé ag iarraidh rudaí a thógáil go réidh. Bhí mé agus tá mé ag iarraidh a bheith an-ghnóthach le nach mbeidh orm smaoineamh ar an méid a tharla le cúpla seachtain anuas.

I’m back in Galway now. I’ve been back for almost a week after a week away. My friend told me that I should take it easy because I’ve been through a lot. It wasn’t until after I saw her message that I realised that I had been avoiding resting; filling my days and evenings with work and badminton and teaching. Without realising I was doing it I was avoiding resting because if I rest then what has actually just happened might hit me. I don’t want it to hit me. I want to pretend like it never happened in the first place.

Mar mhúinteoir aireachais bím ag iarraidh ar dhaoine suigh leis an méid atá ag dul ar aghaidh dóibh, fiú muna bhfuil sé go deas agus mar chomhairleoir faoi oiliúint bím agus beidh mé ag rá an rud céanna. Ach níl mé ag iarraidh sin a dhéanamh anois. Níl mé in ann b’fhéidir. Mar mhúinteoir aireachais agus comhairleoir faoi oiliúint tuigim nach bhfuil muid in ann dul i ngleic le gach rud ag aon am amháin. Tuigim go bhfuil spás uainn agus go bhfuil orainn sos a thógáil uaireanta.

As a mindfulness teacher I teach people to sit with whatever is going on for them in the present moment. As a trainee counsellor I will be and I am doing the same thing but right now, I don’t want to take my own advice. Maybe I’m not able to take it right now. As a mindfulness teacher and a trainee counsellor I understand that we can only deal with what we can deal with. I understand that when things get overwhelming we just need to step away from them for a while.

Tá mé ag tógáil sosa ón méid a tharla le podchraoltaí, closleabhar, Netflix rud ar bith a thabharfaidh sos dom ó mo smaointe féin. Tá mé airdeallach ar an méid atá mé ag seachaint agus tá mé airdeallach go bhfuil mé ag seachaint rudaí agus mar sin tá sé ceart go leor na rudaí seo a sheachaint...nach bhfuil....?

Podcasts, audiobooks and Netflix are all providing me with thoughts and ideas that are not my own and that is exactly what I need right now. I am consciously avoiding the fact that two people I love are now gone. I am aware that I’m doing it so that makes it OK...right...?