Tá mé ag dul ar saoire! / I'm going on holidays!

Tá mé ag dul ar saoire (in Éirinn dár ndóigh)! Ní dóigh liom go raibh mé ag siúl le seachtain saor an méid seo le tamall fada! Cé nach raibh mé ag obair an-chuid ó lár mí an Mhárta bhí mé ag déanamh beagán oibre anseo is ansiúd. Chuaigh mé i dtaithí ar an dianghlasáil agus deireadh an dianghlasála agus mar atá luaite agam cheana agus mar atá a fhios agaibh féin tá neart strus ag baint leis sin ar fad! Agus le strus tagann tuirse! Tá mé spíonta amach is amach an tseachtain seo! Agus tá mé ag tabhairt cuid den locht go dtí an ghealach lán a bhí againn ar an Luan.

I am going on holidays (in Ireland of course)! And I don’t think I have been as excited for a holiday as much as I am now! Although I haven’t been doing a lot of work since mid-March I have been doing some all the time. I have also been dealing with the lockdown and moving house and coming out of lockdown which as we have explained on this blog before, is all very stressful! Which also means that it’s very tiring! And then we also had a full moon on Monday which is getting some of the blame for my exhaustion!

An Aoine seo caite chuaigh mé ar ais go dtí an suíomh ina raibh an fear sin. Bheartaigh mé go raibh orm leanúint ar aghaidh mar a bhí mé mar muna ndearna mé sin bheadh an bua aige agus NÍ BHEIDH AN BUA AIGE! Ach fós féin bhí mé neirbhíseach ag dul ann. Tháinig fearg air nuair a labhair mé leis agus ba léir go raibh faitíos ar bheirt bhean eile roimhe freisin. Chuaigh mé ann agus bhain mé sult as an tráthnóna go dtí go raibh orm deileáil leis go díreach. Chuir mé miongháire orm féin agus lig mé orm féin go raibh mé go breá ach ar an taobh istigh ní raibh. Bhí mé míchompordach agus i ndiaidh nuair nach raibh mórán daoine eile thart bhí faitíos orm go ndéanfaidh sé ionsaí orm sa charrchlós. Rith mé ó dhoras an ionaid go dtí an carr.

Last Friday I went back to the place that I knew I would see that man I had had to speak to. I had decided that Ihad to keep going because if I didn’t then he won and by God HE WILL NOT WIN! But I was still nervous going. I had seen him get angry and get angry at me when I spoke to him and the two women who know what happened are clearly afraid of him themselves. But I went and I enjoyed the evening until I had to deal with him directly, but even so I painted a smile on my face and I pretended that I was fine but on the inside I was anyhng but. I was uncomfortable and as there weren’t many people around I was afraid that he would or could attack me in the carpark. I ran from the door of the centre to the car.

Chuaigh mé abhaile agus chaoin mé. I ndiaidh a labhair mé leis tháinig fearg air agus d’úsáid duine eile an focal ‘volatile’ le cur síos a dhéanamh air. Níl mé ag iarraidh fáil amach céard go d’fhéadfaidh sé a dhéanamh. I ndiaidh neart smaointeoireachta a dhéanamh air bheartaigh mé gur ceart dom labhairt le duine níos airde ná mé agus iarraidh orthu labhairt leis ach.

I went home and I cried. When I had spoken to him he had become angry, someone else described him as volatile. I didn’t want to find out what he was capable of. After overthinking the whole thing again I decided that I should speak to someone in authority and ask them to speak to him.

Ach tá tuirse orm. Tá easpa fuinnimh agam. Tá mé i ndiaidh mo chuid a dhéanamh agus anois caithfidh mé dul agus brú a chur ar dhaoine eile rud éigin a dhéanamh? Tuigim gur seo mar atá an saol do mhná leis na cianta agus má táimid leis sin a athrú caithfimid troid ina choinne ach tá mé scriosta agus níl fonn orm dul i mbun cainte arís faoi. Bhí mé ar ais sa suíomh céanna leis arís an tseachtain seo ach bhí mé i ndiaidh cinnte a dhéanamh nach mbeadh mé ag imirt leis agus os rud é nach raibh orm fiú breathnú air agus go raibh níos mó daoine thart mhothaigh mé i bhfad níos fearr.

But I’m really tired. I have no energy and I’ve done a lot but I still have to continue fighting and demanding that someone else does something? I understand that this is what happens and that women have to fight for this all the time, especially if we want anything to change but I really don’t want to talk about it again. I just don’t want to do anything else. I have been back again this week and with more people around and me having made sure that I won’t have to directly deal with him I felt much better.

Thóg sé i bhfad barraíochta spáis i mo chloigeann agus tá mé spíonta dá bharr. Má tá orm rud eile a dhéanamh amach anseo déanfaidh mé é ach faoi láthair níl mé in ann.

Him and his bad behaviour has already taken up too much, enough of my mental space and I’m wreaked as a result. If I have to do something else at some point I will but right now I just don’t have the energy or the desire.

Tá cuid díom ag rá gur ceart dom dul go na Gardaí le go mbeidh rud éigin oifigiúil ann agus gur ceart dom brú a chur ar dhaoine níos airde labhairt leis le cinnte a dhéanamh nach dtarlóidh sé d’éinne eile agus tuigim an cuid sin díom go hiomlán. Mar bhean sílim go bhfuil dualgas orm seasamh suas i gcoinne a leithéid d’iompar ach sheas. Chuir mé stop lena chuid cainte liomsa. Rinne mé an rud a bhí ag teastáil domsa ag an am sin agus tá mé bródúil as agus anois caithfidh mé aire a thabhairt dom féin. Má leanaim orm ag troid caillfidh mé fuinneamh agus misneach go hiomlán.

Part of me is saying that I should go to the Gardaí to make sure there is an official statement about him and that I should get someone in authority to speak to him to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else, and I understand that part of me. As a woman I feel like I have a responsibility to other women to do what I can to stop this behaviour but I did. I stood up to him. I’ve told him that what he said to me isn’t acceptable and that has to be enough. I don’t have the energy o do anything else. That is enough. If I keep fighting when I have nothing left to give then I’ll lose faith and courage altogether.

Rud mór a d’fhoghlaim mé ón aireachas ná a bheith airdeallach orm féin agus ar an gcaoi go n-airím agus faoi láthair tá mé spíonta amach is amach! Agus níl fonn troda orm a thuilleadh. Tá mé i ndiaidh cinnte a dhéanamh nach leanfaidh an drochiompair ar aghaidh agus anois tá sé in am dom aire a thabhairt dom féin. Tá mé i ndiaidh líne a tharraingt thíos faoi agus más gá tiocfaidh mé ar ais chuige agus muna ní thiocfaidh.

One of the main things I have gotten from my mindfulness practice is the ability and importance of listening to myself. I just don’t feel like fighting anymore. I don’t feel like I can. I need to rest so that is what I am going to do – and I think I deserve a nice pat on the back for not only realising that but also doing it!

Agus mar sin a chairde, tá mé ag siúl go mór le mo sheachain saor! Tá mé faoi strus ag rud amháin nó rud eile le míonna agus anois tá sos uaim ón rud ar fad! Tá mé ag siúl le cúpla lá ar a laghad gan an fón a bheith ar siúl agus le bheith go hiomlán i láthair in pé áit a bheidh mé! Agus nuair a thiocfaidh mé ar ais beidh mé réidh le tabhairt faoin saol i gceart arís! Tá siúl agam.

So there you have it one of the few reasons I am wreaked and totally in need of this holiday! I am looking forward to a few days without the phone and not looking at emails and then when I get back I’ll be ready to throw myself back into work properly! Bhuel, I hope so!