Níl a fhios agam conas a dhéanann siad é! / I don't know how they do it!

D’iarr mo mhúinteoir agus mo chara Jenny Grainger orm cúpla mí ó shin  conas a mhothaíonn sé nuair a suíonn tú sa spás le ‘níl an freagra agam, níl an todhchaí ar eolas agam’? agus bhí a fhios agam ag an am agus tá a fhios agam go maith anois – tá sé uafásach!

My mentor and friend Jenny Grainger asked me a few months ago ‘How does it feel to sit in the unknown?’ and I knew and the time and I still know now; it’s awful!

Thosaigh mé ag scríobh an bhlag seo ar maidin ach de réir mar a lean rudaí ar aghaidh bhí mé faoi strus agus níor éirigh liom é a chríochnú. Bhí mé faoi strus agus ní raibh mé in ann mo bhlag atá dírithe ar strus agus buairt a chríochnú toisc go raibh mé féin faoi strus…. Níl an strus ar fad imithe anois ach mothaím níos fearr ach bhí orm labhairt go dian liom féin! Tá mo charr sa mheicneoir toisc gur theip air san NCT ar maidin. Bhí sé ar intinn agam dul ar ais go traenáil bhadmantain a d’fhreastail mé air na blianta ó shin nuair a bhí cónaí orm anseo cheana. Gan charr bheadh orm siúl chuige, rud a ghlacfaidh 30 nóiméad orm. Níor d’fhreastail mé ar an traenáil seo le blianta agus ní dhearna mé aon aclaíocht le trí mhí anuas, mar sin, tá mé neirbhíseach go maith faoi. Bhí mé neirbhíseach nach mbeadh mé in ann don oíche ar fad agus an siúlóid curtha díom freisin. Ansin, rith sé liom nach raibh aon airgead tirim agam agus mar sin bhí orm siúlóid 30 nóiméad a dhéanamh le teacht ar ATM le hairgead a fháil. Ar mo bhealach ar ais, bhí mé ag smaoineamh ‘má tá mé sa bhaile faoin am seo beidh x méid ama agam le dinnéar a dhéanamh agus mo scíth a ligint sula mbeidh orm fagáil arís. An meastú go mbeidh mé in ann dó?’.

I started writing this blog this morning but as things went on I was stressed and didn’t manage to finish it. I was stressed and I wasn’t able to write my blog post about anxiety and stress… That stress hasn’t gone away but I do feel better now, after I talked myself off a ledge. My car is with the mechanic because it failed the NCT this morning. I had been thinking that I would like to go back to a badminton club night training that I used to attend when I lived in Galway before tonight but without the car I would have to walk the 30 minutes there. I haven’t been to this training or played badminton in years and it has been 3 months now since I did any exercise and I am nervous about going back. I wondered if I would be able to keep up, especially after a 30 minute walk. I then realised that I didn’t have cash, so I had to walk 30 minutes the other direction to find an ATM. On the way back I was thinking ‘if I am at home by this time, I’ll have x amount of time to make dinner and then I should be able to relax a bit before I have to go. I’m not sure if I’ll be able for it.’

Chuir mé stop liom féin ansin. Beidh neart oícheanta traenalá eile ann. Níl seo ach tús mí Meán Fómhair, rachaidh tú ann níos moille sa tseachtain. Ní gá duit chuile rud a dhéanamh ag aon am amháin. Chas mé thart agus chuaigh mé isteach go caifé agus bhí tae agam. Shuigh mé ansin ar feadh uair an chloig ag labhairt mé le mo mháthair ar an bhfón. Sos  deas a bhí ag teastáil!

I stopped myself there. There will be lots of other training nights, we’re only at the beginning of September right now, you can go later in the week. You don’t have to do everything at the one time. I turned around and I bought a tea and sat in a café for an hour talking to my mum on the phone. A much needed break!

Níl buairt orm féin ach sílim anois b’fhéidir go mbíonn babhtáil orm. De bharr sin tá mol mór measa agam d’éinne a bhíonn ag fulaingt dá bharr mar is ceart. Wow! Níl a fhios agam conas atá sibh in ann maireachtáil, níl mé cinnte go d’fhéadfaidh mise! Thug mé faoi deara an tseachtain sular ndeachaigh mé ar saoire go raibh mé faoi strus. Bhí mé faoi strus ag an gcarr. Tá mé ag ath-thosú uimhirchláir deisceartach agus má tharlaíonn ag am éigin go mbeidh rogha agam idir sin a dhéanamh arís nó mo lámh féin a ghearradh as le scian ghearrfainn mo lámh gan smaoineamh air. Crá chroí atá sa rud ar fad ach thug mé faoi deara chomh luath is a bhí m’intinn réidh le fadbhanna an charr bhog sé ar aghaidh go dtí rud éigin eile. Cé nach raibh, agus níl go fóill, an carr socraithe bhí leadrán ar m’intinn agus bhí sé ag iarraidh a bheith buartha faoi rud éigin eile. Bhí mé ag éirí buartha faoi rudaí aisteacha. Oíche amháin, agus mé muscailte le  linn na hoíche tháinig an smaoineamh chugam ‘má tá an oiread seo strus orm, tosóidh mo chorp ag troid i mo choinne agus beidh leithéid Lupus orm’. Nuair a chuala mé an smaoineamh sin thuig mé go raibh mé imithe go hiomlán.

I don’t have anxiety but I think that I can have periods of anxiety and as a result of this realisation I have so much more respect for anyone who actually suffers from anxiety on a constant basis. Wow! I don’t know how you live normal lives, I am not sure that I would be able to. I noticed the week before I went on holidays that I was stressed. I was stressed about the car. I am reactivating a southern registration plate and if it so happens in the future that I am given the choice between doing this again and sawing my own arm off with a knife, I will say goodbye to the arm without even thinking about it. The whole thing is a headache but at that time, I noticed that when my mind was bored with one ‘problem’ it moved onto another one. My car wasn’t and still isn’t sorted but my mind had moved onto the next thing it could worry about. I was then getting worried about random things. One night I thought ‘maybe if I continue being super stressed I’ll get some sort of an autoimmune disease like Lupus. When I heart that I knew I was completely gone!

Ach rud mór domsa ag an bpointe sin, ná gur aithin mé an smaoineamh, d’aithin mé gur smaoineamh a bhí ann agus gur rud craiceáilte a bhí ann le bheith ag smaoineamh air. Gabhaim buíochas as mo chleachtadh aireachais as sin. Gan an cleachtadh sin agus gan an aithne atá agam orm féin, ní bheadh a fhios agam fiú go bhfuil mé faoi strus. Nuair a bhí mé san ollscoil agus sa bhliain dheireanach ar scoil dhúisigh mé le linn na hoíche agus níor thuig mé ar chur ar bith cén fáth, agus mar sin ní raibh mé in ann aon rud a dhéanamh faoin bhfíorchúis. Anois, níl mé in ann an bhuairt a bhaint go hiomlán ach feicim é, aithním é agus tá mé in ann, uaireanta seasamh siar uaidh.

The big thing for me at that moment was that I was able to notice the thought for what it was; a crazy thought, a thought that may or may not be true as not all of our thoughts are true. I have this ability to identify thoughts largely due to my mindfulness practice which I have so much appreciation for. Without that practice and without my own self-awareness which also comes from that practice I wouldn’t know that I am stressed. When I was in college and in my final year in school I used to wake up during the night and not know why I was awake. I now know why I was and am awake at all hours and I am therefore able to do somethings to help me with it.

Mar a dúirt mé, níl an strus agus buairt a bhí orm roimh na laethanta saoire imithe go hiomlán; tá mé go fóill ag socrú an chairr, níl mórán teacht isteach agam faoi láthair agus mar aon leis sin, níl mórán oibre agam ach díreach ansin, fuair mé mo chéad íocaíocht don chiorcal na mban a bheidh á reáchtáil agam don Ghealach Lán níos déanaí an mhí seo – comhartha mhaith atá ansin dár liomsa! Ach chuir an bhuairt seo ar fad scéal Jenny (thuasluaite) agus Eoin i gcuimhne dom. Bhog an bheirt acu as Éireann agus chuaigh siad go dtí an Fhrainc gan aon phlean a bheith acu agus is féidir leat an rud ar fad a leanúint anseo ar an gcainéal YouTube ach domsa anois, tá an bogadh ar fad thart, tá mé san áit nua anois agus anois caithfidh mé suigh san áit sin nuair nach bhfuil a fhios agam céard atá romhaim sa todhchaí agus áit míchompordach atá ann ach má tá mé airdeallach ar mo smaointe, má leanaim le mo chleachtas aireachais (go háirithe le linn na hoíche nuair nach bhfuil mé in ann codail) beidh me i gceart…nach mbeidh??!

As I said, my stress and anxiety are not gone; I am still sorting out the car, I still don’t have much money coming in and I don’t have much work but I just got my first payment for my Women’s Full Moon Circle that is happening for the full moon later this month so I am taking that as a good sign! But my anxiety reminded me of Jenny (mentioned above) and Eoin’s story. They moved from Ireland to France without much of a plan and you can follow their whole story on their YouTube channel but for me now, the moving is over, I am now in Galway and now all that is left to do is to sit in the unknown and it is really uncomfortable! But I am aware of my thoughts and if I continue with my mindfulness practice (especially during those sleepless nights) I’ll be OK…right??!