Grief comes in many different forms

Dátheangach/bilingual

‘With change brings grief but don’t let that grief make you think that the change is a bad thing.’

Chonaic mé sin scríofa síos ag an deireadh seachtaine agus thuig mé go maith é. Le seachtain anuas tá an bogadh seo ag mothú iontach cóngarach, tá sé cóngarach. Tá níos lú ná seachtain fágtha agam i mo chónaí anseo agus tá deireadh ag teacht go an-chuid rudaí.

I saw that quote at the weekend and it really resonated with me. For the last while this move is feeling very close and now it is close. In less then a week I will be moving out of my home here and I am starting to say goodbye to a lot of things.

Chuaigh mé go rang damhsa aréir. Bíonn an rang ar siúl ar bharr Bóthar Ormeau gach oíche Luain agus tá mé ag freastail air le os cionn dhá bhliain anuas agus is breá liom é! I mbliana bhí mé ag déanamh cúrsa ar an oíche chéanna agus mar sin ní raibh mé in ann freastail air. B’ea an tseachtain seo caite an chéad oíche go ndeachaigh mé ar ais chuige agus ar bhealach tá aiféal orm go ndeachaigh. Rud eile a bhí ann go raibh orm slán a fhágáil leis. D’fhag mé slán leis aréir; slán leis na daltaí eile, leis an múinteoir agus leis na damhsaí difriúla a rinneamar.

I went to a dance class last night. The class takes place at the top of the Ormeau Road every Monday  and I have been going for over two years now and I love it! This year I was doing a course on the same night as the class so I couldn't go. Last week was my first night back and I kind of regret going back. This is something else I have to say goodbye to. I said goodbye yesterday; goodbye to the other students, the teacher and the different dances we learnt.

Bhí mé ag smaoineamh agus mé ar an mbealach isteach an doras inné go d’fhéadfaidh mé sin ar fad a sheachaint muna ndeachaigh mé ar ais. Ní maith liom nuair a bhíonn daoine dírithe orm, nuair atá mé sa lár agus gach duine ag caint liom nó fuaim. Bheadh sé i bhfad níos éasca díreach gan dul ar ais ach mothóinn ciontach dá má rud é go ndearna mé sin agus bheadh mé i gcónaí ag smaoineamh dá ndeachaigh mé...

I was thinking as I went in the door yesterday that I could have avoided all of that. I didn't have to go back which meant I didn't have to say goodbye to it. I don't like being the centre of attention, I don't like when everyone is talking about or to me. It would have been easier to just not go back but then I would have felt guilty, I would have wondered what if...

Fuair mé amach an samhradh seo caite gur bheartaigh mé agus mé óg nach raibh mé tábhachtach. Chreid mé go raibh gach duine eile níos tábhachtaí ná mé agus nár fiú dom i gcomparáid leo. Bhí an chreidiúint seo i lár an aonaigh i mo shaol. Rinne mé cinntí bunaithe air i ngan fhios dom féin. Ach anois tá mé ag iarraidh deiridh a chur leis ach tá sé sáite ionam. Rud atá mé ag déanamh ná go bhfuil mé ag aithint amanna i mo shaol a léiríonn dom go bhfuil mé tábhachtach, go bhfuil tábhacht ag baint liom agus go bhfeiceann daoine eile é. Sin an fáth gur thuig mé go raibh orm dul ar ais go dtí an rang damhsa, sin an fáth go bhfuil mé ag iarraidh a rá le daoine go bhfuil mé ag fágáil, sin an fáth go mbeidh mé míchompordach leis ach sin an fáth go leanfaidh mé orm. Leanfaidh mé orm go dtí go mbeidh sé compordach dom.

I realised this past summer that I decided when I was really young that I wasn't important. I believed that everyone else around me was more important and that I wasn't very valuable in comparison to them. This belief has been a big player in my life. I have made decisions up until this point based on this belief without realising it. Now I want to get rid of it, but as a belief it's very deeply rooted and it's not easy. One thing that I am doing is to notice times that prove to myself that I am important, I'm noticing times that other people recognise my importance and I am slowly dissolving my warped belief. This is why I knew that I had to go back to the dance class, this is why I want to tell people that I am leaving, this is why I will be uncomfortable but  I will keep going into the discomfort until it is comfortable. 

Is breá liom na rudaí seo a fhoghlaim fuaim féin mar ansin is féidir liom é a athrú. Díreach toisc go gcreidim é ní chiallaíonn sin go bhfuil sé fíor. Mar a bhím ag rá le mo dhaltaí aireachais, díreach toisc go mbíonn an smaoineamh agat, ní chiallaíonn sin go bhfuil sé fíor.

I love finding out these things about myself because it then means that I can change it. Just because I believe it doesn't make it true. As I teach my mindfulness students; just because it is a thought you have, that doesn't make it true.

Rang kickboxing le slán a fhágáil leis oíche anocht....

I have to say goodbye to kickboxing classes tonight....

‘With change brings grief but don’t let that grief make you think that the change is a bad thing.’