Chaoin mé/I cried

Bhí cónaí orm i nGaillimh 7 mbliana ó shin. D’oibrigh mé mar iriseoir leis an nuachtán Gaelscéal. Fuair mé an post díreach i ndiaidh na hollscoile agus bhí seachtain nó mar sin agam le teach a aimsiú anseo, bogadh síos agus an post a thosú. Thuig mé go mbeadh carr riachtanach don phost agus mar sin bhí mé ar ais taobh thiar den roth ag iarraidh smaoinigh ar an mbealach leis an gcarr a chur ag bogadh i ndiaidh dhá bhliain de sos. Chuaigh mé ar ais go Baile Átha Cliath ar feadh 3 mhí don deireadh seachtaine ag iarraidh cairr a aimsiú. Ba iomaí uair gur d’fhag mo thuistmitheoirí mé ag an mbus oíche Dhomhnaigh agus mé ag filleadh ar Ghaillimh agus deora i mo shúile. Bhí mé ag dul ar ais go cathair nach raibh aithne agam air mórán ann agus cé gur thaitin an obair go mór liom, ní leor é.

I lived in Galway seven years ago. I worked as a journalist for the newspaper Gaelscéal. I got the job straight after college and I had about a week to find somewhere to live, move to Galway and start the job. I knew that I would need a car for work so I also had to get back behind the wheel after two years of a break. I went back to Dublin every weekend for 3 months or so looking for a car to buy and there were plenty of times that I was being dropped to the bus by my parents with tears in my eyes. I was going back to a city where I didn’t really know anyone and despite the fact that I loved the job, it wasn’t enough.

Seacht mbliana ar aghaidh agus tá mé ag bogadh ar ais go cathair atá beagán eolais agam air ach arís eile, níl aithne agam ar mórán ann. Tá níos mó aithne agam ar dhaoine is a bhí ag an am sin ach fós féin; níl nósanna agam anseo, níl eolas agam ar an teach agus níl fiú ionad oibre agam le dul chuige. Bhí an míostrú tagtha orm agus níor chodail mé go maith an oíche roimhe agus cuirim an locht ar sin freisin agus mé ag smaoineamh ar na deora a bhí agam inné agus mé ag fágáil Baile Átha Cliath.

Seven years on and I am moving back to a city that I have a little more information about but again, I don’t know many people here. I do know more now then I did then but still…I don’t know the people I live with, I don’t have a routine and I don’t even have a workplace to go to. I am on my period and I didn’t sleep well the night before and I am putting some of the blame for my tears yesterday as I left Dublin on those things.

Bhí mé sa bhaile ar feadh cúig seachtain ansin ach idir obair agus ag lorg lóistín i nGaillimh ní raibh mé ann ar feadh seachtaine iomlán. Chas mé le triúr cara liom le linn na seachtainí sin ach taobh amuigh de sin bhí mé le mo thuistmitheoirí don chuid is mó, mo mháthair go príomha. Réitím go maith le mo mháthair agus is breá liom an caidreamh atá agam léi agus b’í an chúis go raibh mé ag caoineadh inné, cé nach raibh a fhios aici. Bhí sí ar an bhfón le mo dheirfiúr atá díreach i ndiaidh leaindeáil san Astráil agus sa bhealach sin d’éirigh liom na deora a sheachaint os a comhair. Sean-nós atá agam. Is cuimhin liom ag fáil drochscéala agus ag diultú labhairt léi faoi mar ní raibh mé ag iarraidh caoineadh os a comhair.

I was at home for five weeks but between work and looking for somewhere to live in Galway I didn’t spend a full week there. I met three friends during that time but I mostly spent my time with my parents; mainly my mother. I get on well with my mum and I really like the relationship we have and she was the reason for my tears yesterday, although she didn’t know that…or about them. She was on the phone to my sister who has just arrived in Australia at the time so I managed to hide them from her. An old tradition of mine…I remember getting bad news and refusing to talk to her about it purely so that I wouldn’t cry in front of her.

Agus muid ag fás aníos glacann muid ar fad róil áirithe sa chlann. An ról a bhí agam ná gur mise an duine a bhí láidir, an duine go raibh in ann aire a thabhairt dom féin agus mar sin níl sé de nós agam a rá sa bhaile nuair nach bhfuil mé go maith. Sílim go bhfuil náire orm roimh mo mhothúcháin agus mé leis an gclann. Nuair a bhí mé níos óige bhíodh siad i gcónaí ag fiafraí dom céard a bhí cearr liom aon am go raibh mé ag caoineadh. Níor shíl mé go raibh aon fáth a bhí agam maith go leor agus mar sin stop mé ag caoineadh agus mé sa bhaile agus os a gcomhair. Tá sé suimiúil gur seo mar atá mé ag mothú go fóill agus mé ag múineadh do dhaoine go bhfuil gach mothú a bhíonn acu ceart go leor agus nach bhfuil aon rud náireach nó mícheart le mothúcháin a bheith agat. Ach is dóigh go bhfuil sé deacair nósanna a athrú agus tá sé éasca na rudaí seo a rá…

As we grow up we take on different roles within the family. The role I took on was the person who is strong and doesn’t need to be looked after, the person who is always fine so it is fairly normal for me to not say anything at home when things aren’t going well for me. I think I am embarrassed for my emotions when I am at home. When I was younger they used to ask me why I was crying and my reasons never seemed to be ‘good enough’ so I just stopped crying in front of them. I think it is interesting that I feel like this when I make a living teaching people that all of their feelings are OK and that there is nothing wrong with feeling a certain way. I guess it is easy to say these things and old habits die hard…

Bhí sé suimiúil dom inné, seacht mbliana ar aghaidh agus an méid sin blianta caite agam gan a bheith i mo chónaí sa bhaile agus tá mé go fóill ag iarraidh fanacht le mo mhamaí. Thug mé an rud céanna faoi deara agus Mum de m’fhágáil ag an mbus go Béal Feirste freisin, ní raibh mé ag iarraidh fágáil, ach ag an am céanna tá a fhios agam i mo chroí istigh go bhfuil mé le bheith i nGaillimh anois.   

It was interesting for me yesterday, seven years on and more then that amount of years spent not living at home but yet I still just want to stay with my mum. I did notice the same thing happening a few times when she was leaving me to the bus to Belfast, I didn’t want to leave. But at the same time I know that Galway is where I am meant to be right now…